Namely not speaking about tires

Names are important things for a band. Probably more important than the band's music. Honestly, in a world in which there are literally 52 million bands you really have got to stand out. Of course, you've got to be mindful of how the name can pigeonhole your band. Call yourself The Super Dudes** and you best be a totally wacky group of 10 with matching suits and a horn section who do wacky songs mostly about jumping around. Better yet just shoot yourself now and save us the trouble.

By the same token, if you name your crew Thunder of Blood**, you best be able to lay waste to all false prophets of metal and pretty much everything else. Failing that, you pretty much deserve all the raw meat that will surely be thrown your way.

For the more earnest, Waiting For a Bus in the Rain** is going to guarantee your (no doubt crappy) band an audience of suburbanites. Emo kids with dumb hair who feel the need to hold cry sessions because being a white teenager with parents that just don't understand, you know, sucks. If this is not your target audience--and unless you're 14 years old it shouldn't be--perhaps a name change should be considered.

Give yourself an obscure, preferably literary/arthouse hipster reference, non sequitur or both (bonus points for irony) and prepare to enjoy the fat life of playing 3rd on the bill in some college town on a Tuesday night in front of too-cool-for-school trust fund hipsters. Tonight at The Barrel: Yo La Tengo with special guests, Frightened Rabbit, also appearing, Camus Laughter**. Again, this may be an audience you're going after. That way you can tell yourself that you may only have 20 fans but, by gum, they're a smart bunch. Maybe they'll give you some of their parents money to help you pay for gas to get out of town. And a book to read.

I can't say that some of the bands I like are exempt. There's plenty of could be better names throughout my record collection. Some you may have heard of (The Flaming Lips, Death Cab For Cutie) while others (Plastic People of the Universe, Hash Jar Tempo) are probably known only to the people that get the references in their names, i.e. 20 or so. If you happen to be one of those 20, pat yourself on the back and then immediately get a life.

"But aren't there bands whose names are so unbelievably awesome that they transcend the music", one may ask? "Absolutely", will be the reply. I just happened to have the 5 most awesome names (that I could remember off the top of my head) available from Aquarius Records. I can't say this list is definitive since each new release list of theirs seems to have another contender. Nevertheless, I'm sure if Nickelback (I guess they're still around) had chosen one of these names they would be slightly cooler. They would have still sucked, yes. But that's preordination for you.

5. Blue Sabbath Black Cheer

4. Kiss the Anus of the Black Cat

3. Green Milk From Planet Orange

2. The Shitty Listener

1. Make A Change Kill Yourself

Note: I made up the names with a (**) up but the rest are honest, real live bands with honest, real live musicians.

P.S. Before the hate mail, I love Yo La Tengo and in no way am implying they are deserving of playing dives in college towns to disinterested drunk Lit majors. YLT's audience of single, usually overweight, bespectacled record collector dudes is the life for them.

P.P.S. Not to pat myself on the back but I think Thunder of Blood is the baddest metal name I've come up with since Ludichrist (how in the world there is no death metal band named that is beyond me). And yes, these are trademarked; I have a team of lawyers monitoring all band activity.