Gobbledy goop

Even though I like to think of myself as a relatively plugged-in gent, things sometimes get by me. My car is 10 years old, I didn't take up exercising until about 15 years ago and didn't take up serious running until 4 years ago. I have heard rumors of man actually walking on the moon (I know. Sounds absurd, doesn't it?) and that this very nation may have elected a non-white as President (Again, absurd.) Thus far I have little confirmation of either, however.

But I keep up with my pop culture if for no other reason than to have something of little importance to vent my spleen. I may drone on ad nauseam about what a goober that Sean Penn is, but other than giving me something to write about on an otherwise boring day, he ain't really going to effect my life a whole lot. Though I was pulling for him and Madge back in the day. They seemed so happy. I digress. Sooooooooooo....Given all that, it was a shock that I knew nothing of the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow's foray into self-help and the interwebs, Goop. (I'm sorry but my decency will not let me provide a link.)

In the midst of our convo this eve, MB was telling me about Gwyn's very own corner of the web and that I simply must check it out. Since I'd already napped, eaten and proven cold fusion there was nothing much else to do. I can listen to King Crimson any old time, but only every so often does one of the leading lights of our generation climb down from Olympus to mingle with the common folk. Even if it is in an impersonal, certainly ghost written, condescending way.

As best I can tell, Goop, (a crack about the name would be too easy. Nevertheless, I'll presume it stands for Gwyneth's Oblong Oligarical Prairie. If not, it should.) is dear Gwyn's attempt to pull the rug out from under the Oprah empire or at least head our O off at the pass on this whole internet thing. The logic being, the bored, Luddite housewives that make up O's audience aren't as sophisticated as Gwyn's homies, i.e. they can use a computer and go to far away places and are interested in fancy things and the people Gwyn does them with.

The interested visitor can find an actual introductory letter 'written' by Ms. Paltrow in which she sort of lays out the theme for the rest of the site's newsletter. Think of it as Russian Roulette offering a fate worse than death. See Gwyn's interested in all facets of life so who knows what will be on her staff's collective brain that day. Possibly travel, food, parenting or just general thinking stuff at any given time. No doubt years of having a personal assistant who attends to every planning detail/unlimited funds, a personal chef, a nanny and a therapist for each day of the week has given her much insight as to how we as a civilization survive.

A recent update told the tale tale of how when she was twelve and her mother was shooting a movie in London, her Dad (a director) took her to Paris for the weekend. He enjoyed one on one time with her and her brother, a revelation that is offered to us as if some heretofore unrealized avenue of parenting. She left out whether they rode over on their private hovercraft or had France provide them with transportation. Unfortunately, the British/French governments were not given enough warning to have the channel tunnel ready for them. I suspect someone was fired or killed for that. If not, they should have been.

Anyway, she goes on with her favorite restaurants and hotels, among them The Ritz. She admits The Ritz is a little pricey though. Who knew movie stars married to rock stars with multiple homes had to penny pinch? I wonder if she clips coupons too? Or if she knows she can buy double ply toilet paper and get two separate rolls. Ooh, I can't wait to tell her that.

Though Paris is special to her; she even lived there for a bit, she informs us. Jealous? Vagabond that she is, she has trouble staying in one place too long. There's also editions devoted to her other favorite cities and all their requisite charms, surprisingly Lincoln, Nebraska is not one of them. Maybe next month. But the whole shebang is just encased in condescension that I'm guessing even Gwyn doesn't realize how elitist it sounds. Restaurant reviews mention the oh-so-trendy neighborhoods she frequents and lives. Books are recommend by famous friends. I almost expected her to tell of how when she was talking on the phone to Obama, God himself spoke from the heavens and told her to get Him that recipe for her Sunday dinner. It was divine. (Rimshot)

Whether or not God had anything to do with it, somewhere along the way apparently Gwyn got to thinking (steady on, Gwyn) about life and stuff. She's now a mother and married to the one person in the world who's actively campaigning for Bono's title as the most annoying rock star the world has ever known (that bozo from Coldplay). So like all folks she's searching for the meaning of it all. Since, as she casually throws out, she's interested in all manners of faith and spirituality--yes, even the blood sacrifice of the ancient Aztecs, apparently. Gwyn truly is remarkable--she phoned up her friend, Deepak Chopra, guru to the stars, as well as her therapist. She had her assistant phone some other scholarly types and passed that work off as her own. I've no idea what conclusions they came to but my guess is something along the lines of you are awesome Gwyn. If only more people would listen to you and your recommendations we'd pretty much have the world's problems licked by sundown. Oh, and can I plug my new book?

Now, I really don't care a whole lot what Gwyn does or what she thinks about much of anything. This is no doubt a shock to most, myself included since I spent the past minutes writing how much I do. She's pleasant to look at and has never annoyed me in the way that most unavoidable celebs do. Honestly, I have no real opinion of her one way or the other. Sure, I wept when she and Pitt called it quits, held out hope for her and Affleck and was relieved when she ended up with that Coldplay blowhard, but who didn't?

But this Goop. Though it's far more professionally done with a staff and an actual headquarters, I guess there's really not a whole lot of difference between it and my own little Goop, or Joop as MB put it. Essentially, it's all about random thoughts and interests. The big difference is that I really don't expect anyone to care. That's not to say I hope to plug away in willful obscurity. Ultimately, I do this because I enjoy it and not because I think I'm doing the world a service. If someone finds something interesting or amusing here then so much the better. If one doesn't then there's always Gwyn's Goop. She's all too eager to tell anyone who'll listen what her close personal friend Madonna's favorite books are.

Madge has a lot of time on her hands now that the only thing she can do to shock is not suck. A near impossibility for her.

Oh no he didn't.

Indeed. He did.