I realize this is all of little interest and even less importance, but it just amused me to flip through the channels the other night and see "Special Report" come up on ESPN's info. Golly, I'd better check this out. Have we lost another sports titan? Is Obama filling out another Final Four bracket? Did a Yankee field a routine fly ball? The reality was of far greater seriousness: the NFL announced its 2009 schedule.
Yowza.
Unfortunately, tax day and pirates and all that other silly bother kept this announcement from getting the coverage it deserved, but thankfully ESPN came through. Giving it the gravitas it deserved, they devoted a two-hour block of programming to the release of the schedule. Again, the release of the football schedule was deemed of such importance that they pre-empted the women's gymnastics quarter finals or some such. I can't imagine anyone without a beer gut and a wardrobe consisting of Brett Favre jerseys spending more than five minutes watching but I guess that's why their the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" and I'm not.
What was contained in this particular Oracle of Delphi? They ran down the schedule game by game and offered up deep commentary along the lines of "what a tough week 3 game that one will be." Do tell. Or that since this coach's job is on the line he'll really be up for that game. So I guess, unlike the rest of us, NFL coaches only care about their job when they fear getting fired. Who knew?
Along with their panel of experts (read: usual gang of idiots), they checked in with various players to see what they thought about, say, that match-up with the Eagles in week 8. Because they're football players and all-around tough guys, they didn't give the answer that I would have given. Namely, here in mid-April I'm pretty much scared shitless about an event that I may or may not be a part of 8 months from now. Instead, polite, if cliched answers were given and brave faces put on and bilge about just playing the game was uttered.
Meanwhile, our experts pored over this data using charts and graphs to extrapolate all manner of deductions. For instance, it will probably be cold in Chicago in November and Chicago Stadium (or whoever they sold the naming rights to) is outdoors so teams will be, uh, playing in the cold. Outdoors. This could have an effect. Could, mind. Not will, or even the less definitive should. Oh no. These men are so superhuman that there is a chance, however slight, that for a brief moment they will be impervious to any/all laws of nature. And you probably thought they just ran fast and hit hard. Tsk.
Furthermore, this particular schedule will be played in a bubble. There's no danger that Team's A star player won't have a season-ending injury the first day of training camp. Or Team B will fire their coach midway through the year. Or defying all laws of physics, Team C just flat out sucks rendering some late-season match-up between two would-be Goliaths with PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS (those are the big buzzwords in sports analysis, btw. When all else fails, use them to sound all smart and stuff.) a meeting of two actual Davids with sub .500 records playing out the season's string. But I suppose that would just be being negative.
I could be wrong. ESPN could have actual, real insight into the future. In the midst of all the pontificating, ESPN advertised their upcoming "Future Week" promotion. ("The future, Conan?") In a staggering display of cross-promotion gone laughable, it's tied into the release of the new Star Trek flick. I know the first thing that pops into my mind when I think of Trekkies/Trekkers (and I often do) is sports.
True, there was that episode (Andy/Christopher are in a mad dash to provide the title first) where Kirk battled Spock and the other one where Bones lost all his money on the Super Bowl, but for the most part, Trek was fairly free of athletic contests. I'm sure this all made sense in some boardroom in some high rise somewhere, the idea of putting the two, not entirely mutually exclusive groups but pretty darn close, together was genius. At least, now the jocks will know where to find all the geeks to pound that weekend.
I'm not really sure what such a week holds but if any outfit can bend space and time it's certainly the "Worldwide Leader in Sports" Hopefully, the anchorettes will dress in skimpy Barbarella-esque space attire and the anchor dudes will wear space helmets and speak in robotic tones. All will replace whatever annoying catchphrase they use with "Does Not Compute." There will be random footage of Neptune inserted into the hockey highlights and lots of blinking lights, massive computers with tape drives and the occasional white coat wandering around taking readings on a clipboard. For the grand finale they'll launch the entire Sportscenter crew on a five year mission to boldly go where no man has gone before. And they'll never be heard from again.
I hate ESPN.
1 year ago
1 comment:
Yea in "Roll the Bones", for SB CCCII, McCoy had the Texans +8 over the Argos and took the under. Dumb. He also doubled up on a teaser and had a multi-sport parlay going on w/the "game of the century" Hawks -10 over the Cancun Polar Bears (global warming you know).
Long story short, he lost on all his bets. Fortunately his bookie was Vic Tayback's cousin Oliver [from the never aired "Another Piece of the Action"] who agreed to forgive the debt if McCoy would come work for the summer in his diner in Phoenix. [Aside: This episode, "Bones Doesn't Live Here Anymore", became the pilot for yet another never aired show, "All the Girls Love Bones".
- atr
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