With new supplies, you ought to be all right

One of the many (well, not too many) hats the EPJ wears is Justice of the Peace, i.e. issuer of wedded bliss. Given the environs/speed, most who come through here for such silliness want to keep things on the DL or at least as little fanfare as possible. Sometimes it's a pregnancy, sometimes a couple together for decades(!). Still others just don't want the small town hassle of everyone knowing one's bidness.

Natch, we put a picture/announcement of the newlyweds we marry in the local organ. Oops.

Through the years we've had tears of joy shed at the prospect of a life of wedding bliss, and we've had tears of sadness over a couple of months of married hell. Before leveling charges of cynicism (moi?), please know that I actually am asked at least once a week variations on "How I get out of this mess?" Thankfully, we have nothing to do with that. The EPJ's standard response, "I may have got you in this mess, but somebody else will have to get you out."

Figures, the EPJ's been married for 74 years. My figures may be off. Slightly.

So after so many years of fulfilling these duties, the happiest day for some has become pretty routine for us. (EPJ: Do you? Him: Yep. EPJ: You? Her: Yes. EPJ: So be it. Cheers.) Surprising then just now we have a groom showing up with his uninformed bride for the wedding. He thought it'd be fun just to spring it on her once they got here. Whee. Glad she was keen. Obviously, this occurred after much thought, prayer, discussion, animal sacrifice or some such. Or so I'd like to think.

Moving on...

Readers who go back to the old Mailbox days may remember Andy's rather extraordinary Christmas list of a few years ago. It was about 6 things including a Star Trek DVD, some egghead book and the highlight: more RAM for his computer. That year, thankfully, St. Nicholas did not disappoint. An enraged geek not being one of the more desirous sights on a Christmas morn. I hasten to point out that while he's no Frank Stallone, Andy is far from the Egbert that list would make him out to be. Well, he's married anyway.

He may have outdone himself this year: 3 cds and, wait for it, floor mats for his ride. Proper! Unfortunately, I'd already purchased him some weather stripping for the house. It is non-returnable.
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So Bonnie wishes to summer in my fair town? This she is most welcome to do as there is much housework/cleaning that needs to be done. Cleaning supplies, ladder and any materials necessary for repair work will be provided. I require one full meal daily, preferably in the evening, with light but filling morning and noon meals. Lunch may be substituted for the biggie occasionally but never breakfast; my schedule does not permit such. Rising at 7:40 to be at work by 8 does not give me the time needed to enjoy a full breakfast, English or otherwise. I do not care to waste food because there are apparently starving children somewhere and my not eating food on this side of the world would somehow cause them to go hungry. The chaos theory, true, but nor do I enjoy having guilt harsh my otherwise unharshed mellow.

But all work and no play would be a bit too Cinderella-ish, therefore, a weekly allowance of one movie along with a 15-minute discussion on any topic, but preferably one of tremendous interest to me will be offered. Understand, this will be as my schedule permits. Furthermore, I will only require being addressed as "Mr. Jeremy, sir" when company is present. Otherwise, Mr. Jeremy is sufficient. A sitting/sleeping room for those activities will be provided though furniture, including bed, and linens will not. Proper attire will be required, also not provided. While French maid outfits make a great Halloween cliche, this would be wholly inappropriate for my dearest Bonnie. I simply cannot have any guest leering. The likes of which would require me to defend Bonnie's honor, and I generally wish to avoid jail. Hands, deadly weapons, etc. But for attire, something less industrial than a hotel cleaning outfit is suggested.

If these terms are suitable then this post can be considered a binding contract. There will be no negotiations as I have neither the time nor the inclination.